As I’m typing this, I stumbled out of my bed.
With that puffy eyes. With that half dried eyes, tat had just finished tearing.
I really dun know why I’m feeling this way.
I really dun know why I need to feel this way.
These few weeks, with him in his new life.
I really had.
Proudly had announced to myself, tat I felt tat I had matured.
Matured because I felt tat I no longer go gaga and angry over trivial matters.
Matured because I felt tat I no longer go bitchy over some ppl’s little tricks and stunts.
I thought I have.
I should have.
It was shown. Wasnt it?
When his bro did not manage to return the car last week that they had agreed.
With him, yelling non stop, grumbling non stop, at the bus stop.
Yet I was the one, calm and steady.
Telling him tat it’s okay. We still have time. Dun blame his bro.
Tat was surprising.
Yes, it was. Even I, myself felt tat.
Had it been before, I will be the one, yelling and screaming non stop.
Ppl do change. I know I had.
I no longer go “rolling eyes” when I see those bitches posting “extra” stuffs.
It’s surprising.
Given the Lilian that you all know.
Tat’s because I learnt.
Learnt to cherish.
I dun wan to waste time, thinking and pondering over all tat.
It kills brain cells. And made me looks silly and bitchy.
Yet tonight, I couldnt stop thinking.
The thought of her, still not willing to accept me, really broke my heart.
I cant sleep. Even when I’m having a splitting headache now.
I thought I have changed.
I thought I became nonchalant.
But actually, I’m still lying to myself.
Not being accepted by her, really hurts me so badly.
With all tat in my mind, things started flashing back.
I remembered how she had deliberately came to speak when she first read abt my post.
How much she had felt when she read my post.
How much she had feared that she had hurted a girl’s heart.
But it seems like things got worse.
I dun know why.
I concluded that the reason behind, is all my doings.
Is it my behaviour?
I dun know. I really do.
I really wish to know.
I dun dare to tell him.
I dun wan him to be upset with me.
All I wan him to see is tat smiling face of him, each time he gets to book out.
So with all that in my mind, I stumbled out of the bed.
With that disappointed heart and half dried eyes.
I haven felt so emo before.
The last time I had this feeling was when I felt tat I had let Mum down.
Tat was years back.
And now this feeling is back.
Tat’s because this time round, it is of a motherly figure as well.
This feeling..
Unbearable feeling of disappointment and useless.
I felt so useless.
Lilian, how can u be someone of tat useless material?
I’m so afraid.
With things kept failing me this way, one day, I will just pack and go.
I will dump everything behind and leave this.
I dun wanna start all over again.
I cant bear to fail myself again.
Lilian, where is that fighting spirit?
It seems to be gone.
For now, let tat emo heart sank right down inside.
I will be fine.
I hope so.
Usually the ones that could hurt you the most, are those you have unknowingly placed in a very important position, in your heart.
