Lilian’s Thoughts- 阿 Q 精神!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m back!

Good Morning on a Monday morning!

Am not working today but woke up real early.

Why am I up so early when I’m not working? Boo.

Well.

Since I cant sleep, I shall go for a morning jog!

Been so long since I did it!

Well.. Last night was filled with emo-ness..

Only managed to sleep at 3am but woke up at 7 plus.

Not feeling tired at all. Surprisingly.

Well.. Thanks to the few who actually cheered me up.

For example, Azam..

He whatsapp-ed me very randomly.

Telling me how much he missed being in class..

Miss all of us, especially his baby. lol.

Well.. Perhaps I din sound right.

Told him to cheer me up.

And indeed, with his usual nonsense, he cheered me up.

Thanks, Azam! =)

Not forgetting Jingwei, who’s always there to listen.

Well.. I should be more appreciative.

Though my life is filled with lots of 小人, I still have alot of friends who really care abt me.

Who would lend a listening ear, at no matter wat time I need them to.

Really thankful to all! =)

Well.. Having said tat I’m done with my emo-ness, I will continue to try harder.

When everything fail, just pick them up one by one and try again.

Not blaming anyone.

When it fails, it’s because I have not tried my best.

阿 Q 精神!

加油！加油！=)

Well.. Months had passed by!

And it’s end of the year already!

It’s the season of love and sharing!

As for me, I have got some meet-ups lined up!

With all the different ppl tat I have been missing out!

Time to meet up and I seriously am looking forward!

For now, just in case, I dun get the time to blog!

Merry Xmas! Hohoho!

And a Happy New Year!

Till next time!

=)

Lilian’s Thoughts- Somewhere over the rainbow

As I’m typing this, I stumbled out of my bed.

With that puffy eyes. With that half dried eyes, tat had just finished tearing.

I really dun know why I’m feeling this way.

I really dun know why I need to feel this way.

These few weeks, with him in his new life.

I really had.

Proudly had announced to myself, tat I felt tat I had matured.

Matured because I felt tat I no longer go gaga and angry over trivial matters.

Matured because I felt tat I no longer go bitchy over some ppl’s little tricks and stunts.

I thought I have.

I should have.

It was shown. Wasnt it?

When his bro did not manage to return the car last week that they had agreed.

With him, yelling non stop, grumbling non stop, at the bus stop.

Yet I was the one, calm and steady.

Telling him tat it’s okay. We still have time. Dun blame his bro.

Tat was surprising.

Yes, it was. Even I, myself felt tat.

Had it been before, I will be the one, yelling and screaming non stop.

Ppl do change. I know I had.

I no longer go “rolling eyes” when I see those bitches posting “extra” stuffs.

It’s surprising.

Given the Lilian that you all know.

Tat’s because I learnt.

Learnt to cherish.

I dun wan to waste time, thinking and pondering over all tat.

It kills brain cells. And made me looks silly and bitchy.

Yet tonight, I couldnt stop thinking.

The thought of her, still not willing to accept me, really broke my heart.

I cant sleep. Even when I’m having a splitting headache now.

I thought I have changed.

I thought I became nonchalant.

But actually, I’m still lying to myself.

Not being accepted by her, really hurts me so badly.

With all tat in my mind, things started flashing back.

I remembered how she had deliberately came to speak when she first read abt my post.

How much she had felt when she read my post.

How much she had feared that she had hurted a girl’s heart.

But it seems like things got worse.

I dun know why.

I concluded that the reason behind, is all my doings.

Is it my behaviour?

I dun know. I really do.

I really wish to know.

I dun dare to tell him.

I dun wan him to be upset with me.

All I wan him to see is tat smiling face of him, each time he gets to book out.

So with all that in my mind, I stumbled out of the bed.

With that disappointed heart and half dried eyes.

I haven felt so emo before.

The last time I had this feeling was when I felt tat I had let Mum down.

Tat was years back.

And now this feeling is back.

Tat’s because this time round, it is of a motherly figure as well.

This feeling..

Unbearable feeling of disappointment and useless.

I felt so useless.

Lilian, how can u be someone of tat useless material?

I’m so afraid.

With things kept failing me this way, one day, I will just pack and go.

I will dump everything behind and leave this.

I dun wanna start all over again.

I cant bear to fail myself again.

Lilian, where is that fighting spirit?

It seems to be gone.

For now, let tat emo heart sank right down inside.

I will be fine.

I hope so.

Usually the ones that could hurt you the most, are those you have unknowingly placed in a very important position, in your heart.

Lilian’s Thoughts- Hoilday!

I really feel like going for a holiday!

I really feel like GENTING HIGHLANDS!

If anyone would just buy me a ticket and the accommodation and say:

“Lilian, Let’s go!”

I will definitely go with him!

And the worst part is I wish HE was the one who would do so.

Fat hope. *slaps*

Now get back to sleep, Lian.

Bye!

Lilian’s Thoughts

I had a dream last night.

You were in there.

I was sick. I was sleeping.

And suddenly a pair of warm hands, wrapped around me.

I turned and I saw you.

My tears dropped.

I miss you.

And suddenly, I was brought back to reality.

The alarm woke me up.

It was just a dream.

I’m sick today.

As I was lying on the bed just now, my mind was wondering if the scene will happen.

It didnt.

It kills me. It smacked me right on my face.

I wish for it to come true.

I wish you will really come to me.

But I know you wont, especially when I told you we need time.

Sometimes, I wish you can be more meticulous.

But you’re not.

And this strong feeling of us not getting back, is killing me.

The worst part during this period, is when Mum and Dad asked about you.

And I just have to act blur and lie.

A white lie.

This sucks.

The sms content wasnt real; the actual fact is I wondered how are you.

你的心里，是否也和我想的，是一样的？如果是，那你又在哪里呢？

Lilian’s Thoughts

“Hours ago, we were a pair; Minutes ago, we declared individuals.”

If you catch what it means.

As much as I’m struggling to hold things back, I have decided to.

This is not what we wanted. Yet this is what we very much need to.

I dont wish to explain any further.

The 7th mth. The last mth.

I’m off from this relationship.

For now, let’s take a break.

“Lilian Low went from being in a relationship to single”.

I wish I had the heart and guts to post this on FB.

Taking you away, is the worst thing ever but keeping you seems even harder than that. You’re so near yet so far.

Lilian’s Thoughts- 两个人在一起，不只是两个人..

Sometimes, I feel tat I am not just being tgt with him, it is with the entire world.

Today, when we just reached Bugis, a sms came.

There came the harsh and nasty “scolding”..

Then came a phone call..

“Erm.. Girlfriend, can we drop by Suntec later?”

And I have to change my plans.*rolls eyes*

Seriously, why is it always him?

Why is it always us?

Just because you guys wants to meet, den we have to specially change our plans to accommodate u..

And this isnt the first time u guys had ruined our plans.

I was really angry but I had no choice, I dun wan him to be stuck in between.

So I gave in reluctantly.

And well.. After a while, came another phone call..

All I can say is: “Dun put the blame on others. Think back before u do so. IF u had not scolded him the “F” word, I wouldnt be so pissed off over this.”

Look at how u sms him and spoke to him first, before u wan to ask him wat I posted on my FB.

I’m just speaking my mind.

Dun u understand wat it means by posting “what is on ur mind?”

“Fuck u la. Now I have to go out and I cant meet..”

Oh.. So u meeting her is so important.

Den he meeting me, is nth at all?

U have ur plans, we have too..

I came with only one mentality.

If u have spoke to him nicely, I would have gave in and will not take it to heart.

But since u used the “F” word first, den dun blame me for being hasty or straightforward.

And today, it had came to the point where I can take it no more.

I need to speak my mind.

All along, I have never been close with you.

Never..

Maybe because we dun know each other in the first place.

I have tried.. to get close to u.. Because I wan to know u guys better..

I think it’s because the things din started off as nicely as it is.

First, I created a big “hoo-ha” between u and her..

Apparently, I felt really bad over this.

Den came her “so called jealousy”..

And because of tat, Boyfriend always have to tell me to dun do this or tat..

He always say: “Girlfriend, can u dun post tat photo up? I dun wan later, become like the other time, den he very 为难 cos she will be jealous.”

I did that.. Tried my best to avoid being too over..

我忍..

Den came July, it was her bday..

Because of tat present, we quarreled for many times.

My main concern is why shld we spent so much to get sth tat is not within our means?

We can just get a simple one..

But u guys seen it as if I din wan to get it for her, because I’m petty or watever u guys thought I was.

I did not explain.. I din get a chance to..

Because U guys acted as if like nth happened in front of me, yet at the back, he was being sandwiched in between.

我还是忍..

To me, I always feel tat being his girlfriend, I shld be close with his family as well..

Especially when he will be enlisting in November..

So whenever I can, I try to give in to watever u guys said.

Tried my best to accommodate.

He had done his part.

He tried to arrange a dinner between us.. To resolve the misunderstanding..

And it works.. Because right now, I felt really okay with him..

可是今天， 我忍无可忍了..

If u tink tat I was being too much with my status today, den why not take a step back?

And think of how u have spoken to him in the first place?

Which girlfriend will wan her boyfriend to be stuck in between?

I admit I was being quite hot tempered.

I can apologise for my attitude today.

But things come in a pair.

If u have spoke to him nicely, I wouldnt have become tat nasty.

So think before u react.

Well.. Having said tat, I only wish that things had become better..

And I hope I had not caused any trouble between him and the family.

Because it seems like, I always caused him to be sandwiched in between.

=(

Lilian’s Thoughts- “患难见真情”

I’m back!

It’s September now.

August passed in a blink of eye.

Really really fast.

In a glance, Sem 2 had already started for more than a mth.

Seriously, I have no idea wat Stats is all abt.

And I’m panicking like mad cos my CA1 assignment is due in less than 3 weeks’ time!

I’m screwed. =/

And as I’m typing this, I just finished my shower.

Finally managed to squeeze some time out to jot down all these thoughts.

I met up with the girls last last week!

Was really glad to see Emi, Jolene and Grace! =)

Well.. And I guess because I haven been hanging out with them for quite some time, I felt a bit awkward when they started talking abt things that happened between them.

But I guess I still had fun. Felt really bad to be missing in action.

Well.. Met Jun Yin for swimming on Saturday.

Best! Time to get back into shape man.

I have gained weight. Like 3kg.

Goodness. But I looked like I gained 10kg! =(

Jun Yin and I had an agreement. To meet on Dec 22!

We gonna get a second! =)

Shall start saving up from now onwards!

Well.. As for workwise, I’m starting to be given more and more responsibilities.

And sometimes, I dun know if I shld be happy or sad.

When u’re given more responsibilities, that also means that ur boss thinks u can.

But when the volume of work is getting pretty high, u cant say anything.

Last friday, I stayed back alone till 9 plus, just to finish tat huge pile.

And I still haven finish. =/

I have stats class tmr which I dun wanna miss.

So I guess I have to sacrifice my sleep. =/

At times, I really wonder if I had done the right choice to move over.

The main reason for the transfer was to gain more experience and learn more useful things.

I did learn more things, which will be helpful.

But the workload and others, made me felt really tired.

I wonder if I shld just change to an easier job and at least focus on my studies for now.

That shld be the priority.

Plus, come Sem 2 exams, I will definitely stuck between work and sch.

I cant get Siwei’s help anymore cos now he has other responsibilities.

Cham liao la.

Well.. As for now, let’s just put all these aside.

Focus on this mth’s closing first. *fingers crossed*

Well.. Many things had happened in the mth of Aug.

I have seen how someone fell from the highest point, till the lowest point and got trampled by others.

I have seen how others react, when one needs help.

I have seen how realistic and practical ppl can be when things and situations changed.

All these had made me feel really 心寒.. Really.

But someone told me: “This is the real society. Welcome to the club.”

One day, I was sitting at one corner, thinking of wat I have seen.

It just seem too harsh and made one feel really dejected.

“患难见真情”，这句话说得太对了..

I’m just glad that I get to ‘experience’ all these much earlier than others of the same age as me.

This is life experience. Money cant buy u this.

Alright.. Time for bed.

Till next time!

=)

Lilian’s Thoughts-谁能了解我的心

If I could exactly pen down what had been going in my mind for the entire while, I would have done so..

I’m not someone who would bother to explain misunderstanding..

I told myself not to think, not to engage and keep it to myself..

But it’s been rolling inside like a snowball and it’s suffocating me..

The problem was never solved..

And I guess this time round, we should..

Perhaps we need bigger issues or more time to make us stronger..

Perhaps we are better off as friends..

Lilian’s Thoughts

I’m back!

Like finally, after such a long time, since my last post.

Been busy with the usual stuffs!

Second Sem had just started and I’m iterally dragging myself to work and to sch each time!

Statistics! Financial Accounting! Business Comm! Alamak!

This sem, Yana and Zam are not ard with me. I got to join team with Fadhli, Sean and Arviand.

On my first day, I was pretty sad. Then, the guys told me dun emo. We all will work hard tgt!

Thanks alot, Guys! But I still miss Yana babe and Azam.

Anyway, next week will be closing le. Another mth had gone by! So fast right!

And Oh.. My 21st is finally over!

Was really great to see all my friends there! Super love them!

Especially Sifan! Been so long since I last saw her la!

Ah Ong as well. Tat guy popped by without telling me la!

The colleagues bought me agnes b wallet! Which I went to exchange and got myself a handbag and a cardholder!

Got quite alot of presents! Thanks to all for ur love!

Anyway, I’m really grateful to my parents, my sis and Boyfriend for their help in my birthday party!

Ah Lian’s 21st! Success!

Last Sunday was my official 21st bday cum 5th monthsary with Boyfriend!

The day din started off well.

And everywhere I go, there’s bound to have sth unpleasant.

I was so frustrated till I stood at one corner and felt really dejected.

In the end, I teared.

Boyfriend quickly did his usual funny actions to cheer me up. Tat silly guy!

But anyway, in the end, we went to visit the Terracotta warriors at the Asian Civilisation Museum!

Spectacular! Though the exhibit items were not alot, the entire museum is filled with diff items tat depict diff findings found.

Nice!

We got free entry too! Great!

Anyway, as I’m typing this, I just came back from the airport.

Was supposed to fetch Boyfriend. He went to Phuket with his friends!

I miss him la!

In the end, his flight was delayed! I was left stranded at the budget terminal with all the ANN. *faints*

Anyway, will still be gg down later to fetch Boyfriend!

Dad’s sending me over! Yeah!

As for workwise, everything had been the same.

Just tat everything is back to square one.

Glad to be able to learn more stuffs!

K la. Gonna go get some stuffs!

Till next time!

Lilian’s Thoughts- 我的 21st Birthday Preparations!

I’m back!

It’s Thursday today!

I’m on mc. Wasnt able to get up for work at all.

Feeling much better now. Not the cough and flu though.

Survived the june closing. Hectic. Hectic.

AR CLOSED! Finally. Woo!

Anyway, took half day ytd and paid for the sch fees.

Goodness.

Boyfriend came to fetch me from work and accompanied me all the way to sch to pay sch fees.

Tat’s because I told him I dun wanna travel alone to sch. *loves*

Anyway, I had fun shopping after tat. And yes, burnt a big hole in my pocket.

Lingerie shiopping! Yeah. Polka dots. Laces. Lawah! =)

I have so many things I wanna get.

DSLR camera, new phone,  new watch, new wallet for cards and cash, new handbag. But NO MONEY! Haiz.

Anyway, speaking of which.

Preparing for my 21st recently.

It’s such an headache. I dun understand why ppl just cant rsvp their attendance.

I have been sending out reminders.

But well, I guess I will just go with those who have rsvp-ed. =)

Preparing for a birthday party can really makes me cracky at times.

The thought of how many pax for buffet, cake, decorations, guestbook, is already driving me nuts.

Furthermore, keeping it within budget is another issue.

Oh well.. I guess I will just have to go with the flow.

It’s T.G.I.F tmr! Followed by Sat, which I might have to start planning for bday.

Sunday will be 官家兄弟’s 21st Birthday!

And Yana’s engagement as well.

Oh.. Hectic hectic week!

Cant wait for bday next week! Cant wait to see my friends! =)

Till next time!

=)